I was recently asked the question, “Who is the disciplinarian in your household?” But I think what they really wanted to know was who punished the kids when they did something wrong.
Who sends them to their room? Who grounds them? Who takes away their favorite stuff to prove a point?
Who leaves them shaking in their boots over the promise, you just wait until your (mom or dad) gets home…?
I couldn’t answer as they wished. It’s not that my kids never do anything wrong, it’s just that, in our household, discipline is proactive, not reactive.
We don’t punish them for doing wrong. We prepare them to do right.
Here are the three pillars, if you will, of the discipline policy at the Woods home:
1. Engage them in activities where doing wrong is not an option.
This is why we keep chickens, dogs, a cat, a rabbit and fish. This is why we show horses. Because early this morning we were up and around ensuring the animals had food and water, were exercised and cared for.
They may choose to procrastinate their homework or vacuuming their bedroom, but procrastinating when it comes to the animals they have grown to love is not an option. I didn’t grow up with animals—just goldfish and stinky lizards—but when I went off to college in Arkansas, I saw that the most disciplined students I knew where my classmates who had grown up on the farm.
My friends who grew up caring for (and showing) steers, pigs, chickens, and dairy cows were the ones who continued to treat their other responsibilities with the same level of commitment as they had learned to treat their livestock.
2. Allow them to experience the full consequences of their actions.
It’s a simple premise: rarely is it in the best interest of our kids to rescue them.
Forgot your sweatshirt? I guess you’ll be cold this afternoon. Forgot your lunch? I guess you’ll be enjoying the PBJ option in the cafeteria today. Forgot your homework, even though you did it last night? I guess you’ll be marked down for turning it in late—that is, if the teacher even accepts it late.
We have learned that when we step in prematurely to rescue our kids and protect them from the consequences of their actions, we short-circuit the natural learning process. They will only forget to do once what they experience the full consequences of once.
A friend told me the story of when his oldest son turned 16. He had gotten his driver’s license, and wanted to borrow dad’s car to go for a celebration drive around town. Dad handed him the keys and told him to be responsible.
A few moments after his son pulled out of the driveway, he called his friend, the sheriff, and “reported his car stolen.” It didn’t take long for the boy to be pulled over, handcuffed, and taken downtown to the county jail. “This must be a mistake,” the boy said over and over. But it was no mistake. His dad and the sheriff had carefully devised the plan to ensure his son knew what it felt like to spend a night behind bars.
The next morning, his dad and the sheriff approached his cell together. Now I’m not suggesting you do the same—filing a false police report is a crime—but you can see what a powerful lesson consequences can teach. Even though he had done nothing wrong, the boy learned by experiencing the full consequences of where such behavior leads (and a bonus lesson on injustice).
3. Inspire them to prefer what is right.
It’s one thing to teach your children to avoid evil. 2 Timothy 2:22 does say to “flee the evil desires of youth.” We should teach our children, not to look away from evil, but to despise it, and in its place to pursue righteousness.
2 Timothy 2:22 says in full, “Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.”
Perhaps more important than teaching them to flee evil, is teaching them to seek righteous living… and when they do, they will experience the full consequences of those actions too.